Family Mean Everything!!

I came out 12 years ago and moved about an hour and a half from my children, Dad and the rest of my family. It was to move in with a new partner and it got me "away" from the town I thought would never embrace me again. I thought that space would give me the anonymity as well as give them time to forget that i was, in fact, gay. LOL What WAS I thinking?

12 years later, I still plan dinners with friends in my  home town and meet folks at Wal Mart and restaurants I haven't seen in years. I still have every other week visits with my son and I go check in on my Dad and stop by the nursing home to see my stepmom when  I'm there. Its like nothing has changed except that I'm about to marry a man and very few care or even notice any more.

This past weekend my brother, his wife and children came and spent the weekend with me and my partner. They drove over, we went to the mall, had dinner, went home and watched movies, picked at each other, laughed, compared stories from our youth and in general were just chilling out. Sunday morning they had to get up and go home since my sister in law had to work. For most folks, it would be just another family evening. Many wouldn't have put a second thought into the time together. For me, it was heaven!

I said that 12 years ago I came out and moved away. I've been home many times and , of course, my children come see me, but NO one else in my family have been to see me here. For me, this weekend was about renewing in my soul my brother and sister in laws acceptance and love. It was about having my niece and nephew visit MY world to interact with me there. Its not as if my house is OZ and the rest of the world is Kansas..lol. It just meant something to me. I really felt great with them coming to see me. My family is my world. My children and my Dad/ Brother and his family are my reasons to exist. I felt validated. Simple pleasures are sometimes great, sort of like coffee. lol.

Change is going to (kill me / make me stronger) Choose one!

 

 I posted the sign above hoping that it comes true :). Life has a way of fooling you into a comfort level where "everything is alright" and you let your guard down. I think I must have lessons still to learn because I keep getting these lemons thrown at me and I have NO idea how to make lemonade. 

In recent weeks, work has become nuts, my step mom has been in the hospital (and my Dad is already not doing great), my son and brother are out of work and now the one granddaughter I have contact with is being moved to another state with her Mom. There are other things but I won't bore you. I have let some tears roll while driving to work lately just trying to wrap my head around whats going on in my life. 

This week an old friend of mine lost his wife to cancer, another lost her Mother to a heart attack and I realized that I need to get it together. While I knew both of the ones above who passed, they weren't my family and it didn't happen to ME. My family is alive and mostly healthy. I also realized that change happens but the older I get, I'm not so certain I like that. Hmmm..my elders would love to hear me admit that, but I won't in front of them. LOL.

I'm going to be stronger and better equipped than yesterday to deal with changes, good or bad. I just have to accept that those things I don't have control over will change whether I like it or not. I will have to accept that people will make decisions without making my desires the center of that moment. I don't exactly know how I'll measure that strength but I can tell you that when I look back over the last 12 years, that its working. I just need to remember that going forward.

   

Expectations

I'm not exactly sure where I want this blog to go. I just know I have things to say that I'm never really sure who and where to say them. 

The picture above is of me with my paternal grandparents when i was 4 ( a few years ago :)). In my mind, my grandmother was the one who made me cookies and cakes and my grandfather was the one slipping me $100 bills when I was on my way back to college after a long weekend. In truth they were both "standoffish" and not very warm and fuzzy. Don't get me wrong, they both loved me and I loved them VERY mcuh, but my memories of them have changed over time so that I've forgotten that they weren't who I had started to believe that they were.

I think this happens with many parts of life. For example, before coming out, I had many friends from my home town and church who were very important parts of my life. After coming out, I kept them in the same place in my heart and mind even though many of them never bothered to reach out to me or keep in touch with me. I recently found that one entire family (4 people) had "un"friended me on Facebook. I guess you can say I was disappointed or grieved on some level when I found out but I really started to think about their place in my life and what they had meant to me. In reality they haven't been there for me for over 12 years yet my "warm fuzzy" feelings for them had remained the same. 

A great friend of mine told me that if my expectations of people were unrealistic that I would be constantly let down emotionally and that I needed to put people in their place in my emotions so that I was prepared. If they exceeded my expectations I could be pleasantly surprised but at least not heartbroken when they let me down. Its taken a while to do that and still be optimistic on some level.  

I hope that this helps me to put some perspective on relationships and have a healthier outlook on them. What do you think?